Why do we have so much trouble treating each other nice? I'm going to address husbands and wives, even though this could go to every human being on our planet-children, the elderly, the medically ill, anyone who is in some way vulnerable. I will save the other groups for another time perhaps because I don't want to turn one blog into a book! In fact, I may have to address just wives this time because it is so common, and different for both sexes.
Many women have been abused by their husbands either mentally or physically, or both. This is a subject that I have studied far and wide with myself, in support groups, with friends, and in reading. But as I try to approach this subject today, I wonder where to start.
I'll start with the questions:
How long does it take to get over an abusive incident? At what point does "joking around" become abusive? Does it depend on how many incidents of abuse you've had that determines how fast you heal? Why do some women seem to overcome past abuse and others never do? Can an abusive husband change for the better? Is an abusive man an evil man? Does a man only abuse his wife, or does it leak through to others? Why do women put up with being abused?
I'm letting this blog write itself, hopefully God is leading me here. I don't have every answer to every question, but this is what I think. Destiny. Love is an amazing element because we don't use our brains to fall in love. Whether it's a good person or a bad person for us, it comes together that we meet the one we seem to be destined to meet. Our eyes meet, our heart flips, the magnetism is so powerful that no one can stop us. Maybe immediate, maybe in time, we fall in love, and love trumps all sense.
Why am I talking about love in a blog about abuse? I'm pretty sure when a man falls in love with a woman he has no intention of abusing her. And a woman in love has no thoughts of being abused. It's the passion of the heart that leads us into relationships, and it's passion that causes abuse. Possibly, the more passionate a relationship, the more prone it is to being abusive.
Notice how we went from love to passion to abuse. A passionate person leads with their heart and does what they feel like doing, and those feelings can be very strong, uncontrollably strong at times. But a person who knows how to love properly, and has been properly loved, understands that love is not always about feelings. Love builds up and supports the structure of a relationship, and contributes to the whole oneness of husband and wife. Passion doesn't care about anybody except themselves and eats away at the structure, destroying it with anger, desire, addiction, impatience, controlling it so that the structure feeds the passion, leaving the structure weak and fearful. Love is unselfish, passion is selfish.
I think the answer to some of the questions above is that many men and women don't know the difference between love and passion. If they get caught up in a relationship based only on passion, abuse is one of the fruits. You can have passion in love--when it is mutually serving both people. But it must be controlled and if your passion makes you angry, controlling, hurtful, demanding, then it's time to check yourself. My suggestion is to understand that you need help, and may not be able to stop hurting your loved one by yourself. You will need #1-God. #2-a professional #3-prayer and much more. Passion is a monster unleashed and once it's out, you can't put it back alone.
If you are someone who is on the receiving end of someone who is angry, controlling hurtful, and demanding, you need to understand that you must be safe above everything else. You are not helping the other one by letting them hurt you. Until your spouse recognizes that they need help, YOU have to be the one to take care of yourself. You need #1-God, #2-possibly professional help, #3-prayer, and lots of good support from loving people who can help you.
This ended up being a different blog than I expected, so I know I'm not done with this subject. Today we talked about what is going on with you today. We will have to get to the other stuff, like getting over abuse, or where it comes from another day. But apparently there is a more urgent need today, and that is to face facts, and admit the truth about what is going on with your relationship. Are you in love, or are you in passion? Ask God to show you the difference, then wait for His answer and THEN trust God's answer. When you know the answer, then you will know what you have to do.
Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 (New Living Translation Bible)
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